I love this! My words will come later but for now chew on this….
I was visiting with a couple friends who are single. One of the gals was talking about how she did something out of her current character. She then kind of battled through for the next few days to shake it off but was having a real hard time finding any closure to the events of a few evenings ago.
As she was sharing those things about going to help out a friend and then being left with guys she didn’t even know, I could relate. I have been there done that. Then realizing that the situation was not really ok a rescuer shows on the scene. It is the hardest thing to step back from and pay attention when you are being rescued by a physical man right there in flesh. What woman does not want to be rescued?
Well in the process of being rescued she ends up going to his house instead of going home. Now all of us reading this get to watch this whole thing unfold, but let me tell you when it is happening to you in the moment it is so hard to navigate. What you knew before you left that evening is all clouded by this rescue taking place. Anyway, she does not have sex. I am thinking to myself, “Wow! What amazing strength she has and understands her worth and value. I would have fallen for sure. Back in my life….I did.” She does however make out. Which brings us to the next phase….now what?
She is kicking herself for ending up in that position. Most of us are relating on some level with that and then she says, “So now I am confused. Is he interested or what? He hasn’t called.”
I am relating to a lot of what she is saying but I was usually the one after going all the way not expecting the call. Even though deep down always wishing I would be worth calling after but really believing down deep that I have just been used and thrown away again. Even if I did not even like the guy. Part of me agrees with a reoccurring lie that says, “well, this is what I’m here for. For other people to get what they need from me and leave.”
While listening to her share, I was thanking God that I am married. Remembering all that I went through to finally understand who I am and to realize my value. It was so awesome to be able to share some of what I had learned along the way to help expose some of the warfare that takes place that you can not see when you are in it. It is so illusive that the enemy gets away with way more than we realize.
I offered what I have learned and what I can see now looking back. Sex is not just physical. I think we can get that confused. Sex is emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. In the bible God dedicates a whole book to this intimacy, the Song of Solomon. This intimacy involves sex but isn’t just sex. It is a book that is to show us how intimate the Lord wants to be with us. It is the place in marriage where you only give yourself like that to your spouse and no other. God wants to be our God and no other. He wants us to give our whole selves to Him like we give our whole selves to no other. Sex and/or intimacy is the way we as human beings can become supernaturally one. It is a supernatural union that takes place. Everything else in our world is 1+1=2 that is just physics right? When the oneness of intimacy begins to take place it is a supernatural oneness. A connection deeper than we can make anywhere else.
Even though my friend did not “have physical intercourse/sex” she was intimate with her rescuer. She gave him something that she doesn’t just give to every guy. Right now being single I bet it is super hard to view yourself as the bride of Christ. You have given your whole self to Him like you give your whole self to no other. So now this place of being confused about this guy and needing closure is because of this intimate tie that was made. That giving something away that shouldn’t have been given to him or not yet depending on what God has in mind, right?
When she was confused the next day we got to talk through what the real confusion was. She felt the need to know now if he was interested and was needing to either move forward or have closure. The problem wasn’t that he hadn’t called. The problem was that she was trying to go from that place instead of going back and undoing that connection. The connection was ahead of what God had for her. Then confusion comes in and can leave you feeling like you need to have maintain the relationship you’ve started. Many times it is just a distraction from what God really has for us. I know for my story it was hard because rejection I expected but sometimes I would try hard to see if I could avoid being rejected. Those still left me in the end believing I was less than being still Jennifer, Bride of Christ, or His blessed creation. Exactly who He created me to be.
What that looked like in my life after marriage was me going back and renouncing those ties made with other people. I had those ties that really did tie me to them. That supernatural union took place on some level even though I was unaware or it wasn’t intentional. God’s intentions for me was for me to give myself to Him and then give myself to my husband. He designed it that way so it could be one of the most beautiful, passionate and amazing of His miracles. So that we could be the greatest gifts to each other from Him.
So I after marriage I realized I was still dealing with shame after intimacy with my husband. That totally sucked too because I was so excited to be able to have sex/intimacy and it be “legal”. To have freedom there instead of trying to white knuckle my way to the wedding day. But see my husband and I screwed up a few times before we got married. I had realized that I had renounced and broken ties with everyone but him. Wow what a twist and such a picture of how God designed that intimacy. I had to go back and renounce my husband before we were married as another lover other than God before marriage. Even though I ended up marrying him, he was another lover I had given myself too.
So it doesn’t work to stand at that place where you gave something you shouldn’t have away and try to walk forward from there. You have to go back and break those ties. Renounce them, deny them and give your whole self back to God. From that place where you are only His again then you will be able to better navigate and actually hear what He is saying to you with out all that extra noise confusing the situation.
I know it sounds kind of easy reading it here all written out. It isn’t. But it does help to understand the war and warfare that are really taking place. It is easier to make better choices when you have more information about what is at hand.
I have had this conversation with teenagers. They really think they are ok if they use a condom. Like it doesn’t count or they have kept themselves safe from any kind of real connection. It is interesting to watch their faces as you explain there is no condom available to keep that supernatural union from taking place. It is beyond our control and it is God’s design for our benefit and blessing.
You know this blogging thing is hard. I can have amazing conversations with people. In the moment we go deep, we cover lots of ground and we seek out the truth. What does God’s word say about that and how does that fit together with His heart for us? We walk away free-er than before.
I have requests to blog about those conversations so that others can glean from them. But when I go to type it all out there is so much it gets kind of jumbled. I guess I just need to say it out loud….for me mostly, “I am not a professional writer. I do not always use proper punctionation, or grammar and my spelling is atrocious (gosh I hope I spelled that right). It is going to take me a little while to get a good flow going. My undies get in a bunch about people getting their undies in a bunch over petty things. Somedays I might just have a little rant session here on this page. I guess that is what keeps it raw, real and vulnerable. I am not going to try to be something that I am not in that moment. Wait…..that makes me feel the need to apologize in advance 🙂 ”
Even at the end of a blog such as this….I am still Jennifer. Just the way I was created. I know God must have a purpose for it and not just a sense of humor.
My whole life I missed an essential part of the story. I didn’t know that my heart mattered to God. I always tried to just get it right. You know, be better behaved. I thought God just wanted me to be obedient and serve Him.
God cares more about our hearts and the hearts of those around us Jesus chose
Good News for the Oppressed
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.[a]
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,[b]
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
as His passage of scripture to explain why He came. It wasn’t just because we sucked as human beings so He had to come down and put skin on and deal with our sin. He came for our hearts because we were hurting, mourning and because we were being held captive. It grieves me when people talk to unbelievers and they start out with John 3:16 with the ultimate goal of “saving them”. That is a terrible place to start in the beautiful story about a God who loves us and created us for relationship. Yes we need the rescue of the cross for sure and cannot live without it but there are so many christians walking around saved but hurting, grieving their own existance, and completely captive to the false identity that the enemy has been reinforcing throughout their whole story. They have no idea how much they really mean to God. I meet with so many women that have been christians their whole lives and never knew that their hearts mattered to God. They have been busy being obedient and killing their hearts as a sacrifce when God came to restore their hearts and rescue them.
(to be continued…)
We should be able to spend a lifetime discovering who we are. I feel like I spent a lot of that time running from who I was…or at least who I let others or events tell me I was. We do not realize how much we seek approval from others. If someone does not respond to us in the way we had hoped, for some reason we believe that we are less than. I did that for a big part of my life. I couldn’t figure out why I could not just get it right or do better. It started out as not being able to be a better little girl, daughter, sister, teenager, mother, wife, woman and then just a better human being. I failed. Over and over again. My story and my perceived response from the people around me kept repeating, “you’re doing it wrong! You are missing the mark. If you could just try harder and tone back who you are then maybe you could be worthy of a better response. You could be worthy of love.”
I didn’t know that I was seeking some sort of identity and validation in that approval. I know now that I can not get my life, my worth, or my purpose from any person. The only one I can get my life from is God. He is the one who created me. It wasn’t until I heard Him say to me, “I am God. Creator of all things. I created you Jennifer for relationship. I want to know you. I want you to know Me. Nothing that this world can do to you or that you can do can change what I created you for from before the foundations of the earth. All throughout my Word I speak to you, inviting you into many relationships with me. So many ways I want to love you. I am God. You are My friend, My sister, My servant, My blessed creation, My beloved daughter, My chosen bride and sometimes you are the clay in My hands as I transform you even more into the freedom of your true identity in Me. No matter what happens…..you are still Jennifer. You are Mine….just as I created you to be.”
And that changed everything…
My name is Jennifer. I must say I have led an interesting life. At the end of my time here on this earth I know I will be able to say, “I loved huge. I lived full. I survived. I healed. I triumphed. I fell. I lost. I won. I was rescued. I’ve been hated and been loved. I have been fought for. I called many do-overs. I WOULD choose to do it all again.” Some people describe my story as a journey of healing. I believe it has just been the story of life. We all try to live in this comfortable safe place. I do not believe we were created for safe. I believe God had much more adventure in mind.
I am looking forward to sharing some of those adventures here. Some of them are wonderful. Some of them are tragic. But at the end of every day I am still Jennifer. I am exactly who I was created to be.
See you soon.