I need to post this blog today.  I am getting calls and emails regarding this topic from those who are married to those who are single. 

I was visiting with a couple friends who are single. One of the gals was talking about how she did something out of her current character. She then kind of battled through for the next few days to shake it off but was having a real hard time finding any closure to the events of a few evenings ago.

As she was sharing those things about going to help out a friend and then being left with guys she didn’t even know, I could relate. I have been there done that. Then realizing that the situation was not really ok a rescuer shows on the scene. It is the hardest thing to step back from and pay attention when you are being rescued by a physical man right there in flesh. What woman does not want to be rescued?

Well in the process of being rescued she ends up going to his house instead of going home. Now all of us reading this get to watch this whole thing unfold, but let me tell you when it is happening to you in the moment it is so hard to navigate. What you knew before you left that evening is all clouded by this rescue taking place. Anyway, she does not have sex. I am thinking to myself, “Wow! What amazing strength she has and understands her worth and value. I would have fallen for sure. Back in my life….I did.” She does however make out. Which brings us to the next phase….now what?

She is kicking herself for ending up in that position. Most of us are relating on some level with that and then she says, “So now I am confused. Is he interested or what? He hasn’t called.”

I am relating to a lot of what she is saying but I was usually the one after going all the way not expecting the call. Even though deep down always wishing I would be worth calling after but really believing down deep that I have just been used and thrown away again. Even if I did not even like the guy. Part of me agrees with a reoccurring lie that says, “well, this is what I’m here for. For other people to get what they need from me and leave.”

While listening to her share, I was thanking God that I am married. Remembering all that I went through to finally understand who I am and to realize my value. It was so awesome to be able to share some of what I had learned along the way to help expose some of the warfare that takes place that you can not see when you are in it. It is so illusive that the enemy gets away with way more than we realize.

I offered what I have learned and what I can see now looking back. Sex is not just physical. I think we can get that confused. Sex is emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. In the bible God dedicates a whole book to this intimacy, the Song of Solomon. This intimacy involves sex but isn’t just sex. It is a book that is to show us how intimate the Lord wants to be with us. It is the place in marriage where you only give yourself like that to your spouse and no other. God wants to be our God and no other. He wants us to give our whole selves to Him like we give our whole selves to no other. Sex and/or intimacy is the way we as human beings can become supernaturally one. It is a supernatural union that takes place. Everything else in our world is 1+1=2 that is just physics right? When the oneness of intimacy begins to take place it is a supernatural oneness. A connection deeper than we can make anywhere else.

Even though my friend did not “have physical intercourse/sex” she was intimate with her rescuer. She gave him something that she doesn’t just give to every guy. Right now being single I bet it is super hard to view yourself as the bride of Christ. You have given your whole self to Him like you give your whole self to no other. So now this place of being confused about this guy and needing closure is because of this intimate tie that was made. That giving something away that shouldn’t have been given to him or not yet depending on what God has in mind, right? 

When she was confused the next day we got to talk through what the real confusion was.  She felt the need to know now if he was interested and was needing to either move forward or have closure.  The problem wasn’t that he hadn’t called.  The problem was that she was trying to go from that place instead of going back and undoing that connection.  The connection was ahead of what God had for her.  Then confusion comes in and can leave you feeling like you need to have maintain the relationship you’ve started.  Many times it is just a distraction from what God really has for us.  I know for my story it was hard because rejection I expected but sometimes I would try hard to see if I could avoid being rejected.  Those still left me in the end believing I was less than being still Jennifer, Bride of Christ, or His blessed creation.  Exactly who He created me to be.

What that looked like in my life after marriage was me going back and renouncing those ties made with other people. I had those ties that really did tie me to them. That supernatural union took place on some level even though I was unaware or it wasn’t intentional. God’s intentions for me was for me to give myself to Him and then give myself to my husband. He designed it that way so it could be one of the most beautiful, passionate and amazing of His miracles. So that we could be the greatest gifts to each other from Him.

So I after marriage I realized I was still dealing with shame after intimacy with my husband. That totally sucked too because I was so excited to be able to have sex/intimacy and it be “legal”. To have freedom there instead of trying to white knuckle my way to the wedding day. But see my husband and I screwed up a few times before we got married. I had realized that I had renounced and broken ties with everyone but him. Wow what a twist and such a picture of how God designed that intimacy. I had to go back and renounce my husband before we were married as another lover other than God before marriage.  Even though I ended up marrying him, he was another lover I had given myself too.

So it doesn’t work to stand at that place where you gave something you shouldn’t have away and try to walk forward from there. You have to go back and break those ties. Renounce them, deny them and give your whole self back to God. From that place where you are only His again then you will be able to better navigate and actually hear what He is saying to you with out all that extra noise confusing the situation.

I know it sounds kind of easy reading it here all written out. It isn’t. But it does help to understand the war and warfare that are really taking place. It is easier to make better choices when you have more information about what is at hand.

I have had this conversation with teenagers. They really think they are ok if they use a condom. Like it doesn’t count or they have kept themselves safe from any kind of real connection.  It is interesting to watch their faces as you explain there is no condom available to keep that supernatural union from taking place. It is beyond our control and it is God’s design for our benefit and blessing.