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Can you believe it has been six days? For some of you who have started a little late please keep going all the way through to finish out your commitment of fasting control/disrespect for the full 7 days. Maybe you only were going to chew off a few days from the get go. That is great too. Just follow through with the timeframe you began with. It will help to feel more victorious as you challenge yourself.
Your enemy may present it to you as a checklist. You will see how you failed trying to do any of it, or most of it so you’ll just scratch the whole thing off. The other temptation would be just say that it’s not disrespect, or control it is just my personality and he knows I do not mean it. So many of us, myself included have gone there. It is not right. For what God has revealed to me about control/withdrawing/disrespect is the equivalent to the guy who is way too flirty with other women, or struggles with pornography over and over again. Now see it is easy for us women to view those things as breaking trust and acting disrespectfullly to our relationship and who we are as a wife in that relationship. We need to take the view of what it looks like to our guys for us to break trust with them and act disrespectfully to our relationship and who they are as a husband in that relationship.
When we go to control, or withdrawing we are manipulating the circumstances to either have an outcome that is more favorable without having to be vulnerable enough to share our desires or our hearts, or we want them to pay almost like a punishment for not coming through the way we thought it should look. Either way, we all loose!
The reality is our men, even though they don’t get it right all the time (again almost unfair because we can have unreasonable expectations like mindreading and other such super powers we are expecting them to have) really really really want to come through for us. A weight they carry that stares at them everyday is “do I have what it takes to come through for her?” They can be paralysed at times by the weight of this. They want so badly to have what it takes to come through for their wives. Everything about them as a man is being tested and weighed all day long. Then we end up getting to a place where they can not do anything right, or the way that we think it should be done. We end up giving them an F on their report card so to speak. So many men will resign to passivity because the conclusions they come to by our actions, or lack of actions is “she doesn’t trust me or respect what I try to do for her anyway. If she doesn’t think I have what it takes then why bother trying. If she doesn’t think I have what it takes then I must not.”
Now, I do not believe that husbands or wives should get their validation from each other. We have to get our core validation of who are from God first. Who does God say that I am. There is a definite place where we are called to speak into our spouses identity. But we are responsible for not letting our spouse have the authority to take God’s place there. When I do not feel loved or seen by my husband, I have learned to check in with my heart. Am I believing I am who God says that I am to Him? Many times it has nothing to do with my husband at all. I am looking to my husband alone to validate that I am worth listening to, cherishing, fighting for etc. When I take that time to check in with God about fulfilling my core need there and remind myself that I am the Bride He came to lay His life down for and give up everything, it sure helps gain perspective. I have to remind myself that Jesus is in love with me. From there I evaluate what, if anything is going on with my relationship with my husband. Sometimes it does mean I need to share with my husband, my desire for him to take me out on a date, or go for a walk with me. I don’t know about your husband but my husband does not have super powers. He can not read minds. I do not come to him with a tone of “you haven’t taken me out in a while”, or whatever it is. I trust him so I share my heart and desire with him.
In all fairness, many of our husbands are beaten down and/or afraid to step out here especially when we voice our needs/desires. We have to get our core validation from God, be vulnerable and now give tons of grace while they try to come through for us. Let him come through in the glorious way that he tries to. So many times I pray to God about something, then He shows up in a way so cool I didn’t even know I needed. I believe our husbands have access to a sight into us that we do not even have. The masculine heart was designed to lead (give up it’s life for), protect and provide something that the feminine heart can not reach on it’s own. Sometimes what we think we need is not what we really need at all. If we give up our control on what the outcome should look like then we can begin to receive more than what we limited ourselves to in the first place.
Since we have been “breaking trust” in our relationships for a long time now we must realize it is hard for them to trust us in this place. Remember what it can look like for a guy to break trust in our relationships if you cannot wrap your brain around what it is like for them to be on that end of things. It will take time, grace and tons of prayer but fight for it! Out of all the fighting we do in our lives this is something so worth fighting for.
Again, I am flying out the door but to work this time. I have not yet had time to read through this so please bare with me and hope it is not too hard to sift through. I can read it a little later but do not want to wait to post as I feel the urgency to start the day out here.