If you have been brave enough to ask the question we spoke about in the last blog….
God, who do you say that I am?
Who am I to you?
How do you really feel about me?
what do you see?
Do you see everything you are not?
Do you see everything you do not like?
I used to see someone I hated. It used to cause me physical pain to look at myself in the mirror. Even worse when I saw a picture of myself. I didn’t just hate myself, I loathed myself. If I knew a worse word I would try to use it. I do not even know how to describe it but it was really bad. It would paralyze me at times where I almost could not leave my house. I felt like I had to apologize to people who were going to see me. Many times it was about my weight but even when my weight wasn’t any issue there was something about me that was always less than. My whole world kept telling me the same thing everyday. I was less than….
Then there was my story. There was always the common thread through out my story that always pointed out not only was I less than but it seemed to have a gauge that told my exactly how much less than I was, whether that be as a friend, sister, mother, daughter, or even just a human being. It seemed to follow me around everywhere I turned. I even hated my reflection in windows and such. Ugh!
I think that played a huge part in my fear about asking God my question(s). I knew how disappointed I was at my own reflection. I really could not see anything else. In the not so recent past I have had to choose to learn how to look in the mirror and when all the less thans began their list and the gauge is on over tilt, I have to say,
No I am not!
I have to choose to side with God and not His enemy about who I am. For so many years I can not believe I chose to side with God’s enemy about who I am. I had to really fight to have freedom here. I did not realize that in those moments I was actually taking the enemy’s side over God’s about my identity. When God asks you to love what He loves it has to start with you. I never really allowed myself the right to be loved the way God was trying to love me. Who am I to think I have the right to tell God He is wrong about me. I am the created one.
I am not exactly sure who this blog was for. Maybe it was just for me. It is good to remember. It is an ongoing struggle for me still but I am wiser to what comes against me these days. That helps a lot. I had to type it out. If it is for you please know that I am praying for you. You have a God who is madly in love with you. You have a bridegroom who is looking into your eyes as though you are His only cherished and treasured thing in His life. My prayer is that who you see in your reflection is the same as who He sees through His eyes. You may not feel completely worthy of His love but He is worthy of you….all of you.
The really twisted thing is…..your enemy sees what God sees too…..that is why he is trying so hard to make you think otherwise.