It has taken me many weeks to finally make my first official entry here in the ledger where I have promised to “Buy Myself Back“. I decided to be thankful for my body instead of cursing/hating it, like I have been doing my whole life. Whether it was consciously, or subconsciously I want to stop. I will do this one body part at a time if need be. There was this ache in my mind, my heart and even deep in my soul to finally stop this war against my own body and its design. The ache to also stop striving to be something/someone other that who I am physically. I have, my whole life either led the assault against my body, or agreed with every perspective, or judgement against my physical design. I can honestly say that everyday since my “Buying Myself Back” blog I have been loving my myself and my body. I have been fighting to to care for it and shutting down and replacing those negative thoughts. My biggest struggle these past few weeks has been that I could not write down what I did not truly believe and feel is absolute truth. I needed to have my heart finally agree with my head. I was missing the connection to the emotional pieces. Sometimes you can know something in your head is right and you can move forward. I guess that is what has made this part has hard as it has been. I thought I had this all handled before but found those awful messages/thoughts still roaming free like they owned real estate. Don’t get me wrong, I did have great and wonderful freedom. I am not diminishing my progress. I just had no idea how vicious this fight would be. That’s when I realized it is a full on war. I am daring to go in the war zone to free a captive, or a prisoner…and I am not leaving with out her!
I can honestly say that I truly love and appreciate my body. It took me a fat minute (literally weeks of concentration and intention) to empty my head of all the things I have thought meant you were pretty, which meant you were “ok”, which really meant you are worthy. Worthy of love, consideration, acknowledgement, recognition, honor, respect, to have your basic needs met, to dream, to desire, to be fought for, to be seen as feminine, to be chosen, or worth of love… and the list goes on. Until I could say those things and honestly agree and connect with not just my need but with my longing for those things, I could not move forward. Those were standing in the way like locked bars on a huge cage inside a high security building. I had an idea of what was in there but had not taken the necessary inventory which meant intentionally going through all the security checkpoints to get there. Just typing all this out is emotionally draining, but it is like a good work out that you know has left you better, stronger and healthier than you started out.
I had really wanted to blog so much earlier but this has been a process. I tried to blog about some other random topic but this is where I needed to spend me efforts and intentions to truly honor my journey. I feel good about it. I hope women can begin to let go of all the false things we strive so hard for. Let’s strive to be whole, free and who we are truly meant to be!