I know I haven’t written anything in a while. Part of that is due to 2 weeks traveling to see our daughter and her growing family. Part of that is due to my laptop being in the shop. But what about the rest of the time? In the beginning, I did not start blogging because I felt like I had something amazing to say. I am just Jennifer. I have screwed up so many times and in so many ways. At least I can say that I am creative 🙂 I can screw up so well that it makes a very interesting read.
God has been inspiring me and nudging me to write for years now. I can remember back ten years ago writing an encouragement of the day. It wasn’t about what anybody else thought, or what they got out of it. I was in a relationship with God and He was inspiring me daily. But after a while it got to a place where I was writing because it was Monday, or some other reason and not just because I was in a relationship with God. It began to steal from my passion. It started to become a place of duty instead of being birthed from the beauty of relationship with God.
Now years later, I am feeling the nudge again. Only this time it has come as fire. Because of the wildfire buring in me I thought it should be a certain way. I tried to start out doing video blogs and had so many technical issues that I gave up. I went to get out of my chair and could physically not move. It was very strange. I finally surrendered what I thought it should look like and asked God what He wanted me to say. He said,
I want you to shut the mouth of the accuser for others. I want you to share and be vulnerable. I want you to be transparent. Speak of our relationship. Tell of how you fell flat on your face and how much you found you needed me. Not just me and my saving grace but me as your Husband……me as your Father…….me as your Friend. Bring me to the people, not just another checklist of what to do and what not to do. Bring relationship and intimacy.
I still wasn’t exactly sure what that was supposed to look like but I just started writing. I could be real, raw and vulnerable. I could definitely write about my relationship with God. I was enjoying writing and being inspired by God. Sometimes even just writing what was in my heart in the moment. After a while I was starting to feel almost a pressure to write often because I hadn’t written. I started to fill some quota, or expectation that I am not even sure where it came from. I am not writing just to write. I am writing because I am in LOVE with God. I do not want to get comfortable. I do not wish to feel like I have arrived on this path and stop to set up camp or build a monument in honor of where I am at in my relationship. I want to sit at His feet, fall into His arms, not miss a sunset that He has painted waiting to watch it with me, or miss any part of the beauty of being in a real relationship with God.
If in my marriage I stopped growing, or accepting growth in who my husband is we would only be able to enjoy what it is like to be in the first year of marriage instead of walking a lifetime together through seasons of understanding and knowing each other deeper and knowing what it means to be loved even more than I thought possible.
If in my parenting I loved and parented my son from what I learned about him at 3 years old when now he is fifteen then I will have missed out on the whole journey of allowing him to become a man. I would miss being a part of knowing the freedom of allowing his life to unfold before him, for him….. vs his life unfolding for me, keeping things in order and digestable for my understanding of what it should be.
I do not want to put any of these relationships in a box. I do not want to require they meet my checklist of what is comfortable for me or they will never develop and have the depth they were intended to have. I feel the same way with my relationship with God. Everything that I share, or think that I know I want to release/relinquish. I do not want to box it all up as though this is it. This is all. I want to walk and follow God whether He is going 60 mph or He is sitting and being still and quiet. Sometimes I think people are afraid to look at a revelation, or transformation from God way back in their life and consider that there is more. But you have to relinquish it, let God have even that, because He has more for you than your testimony. Our testimonies should come to life today. They should be growing and transforming like your marriage with depth and even things that you have survived, or are surviving. It should be as fluid as parenting as it changes and develops into something that was with us for a time but is relinquished and released back to God for Him to write the rest of the story.
I am really just Jennifer. But I am in LOVE with an amazing God. A God who is real. A God who is right now active and living. He was in LOVE with me first! He is in LOVE with you too.